woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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