No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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