she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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