So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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