this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize