Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
