I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
