He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
