It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
