How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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