his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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