apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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