you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
