I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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