he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
