if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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