How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
