I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
