Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
