I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
it's great music for shaving your balls
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
