I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize