in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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