I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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