I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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