i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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