How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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