hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
