I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
