You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
