I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
