you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just want nice things and good sex
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
