i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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