How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
