My liver just broke up with me...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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