she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
