Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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