The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
