dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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