New low: just hacked my moms facebook
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You had me at "let me see your balls"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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