Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
