my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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