This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
