Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
