you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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