i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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