Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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