Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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