and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
