Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
