You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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