just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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