His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
