lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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