I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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