What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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