A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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