The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
