Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
