there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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